This morning I do feel slightly different. I feel as if I am pushing through a transition, one that is difficult to describe but that is also giving way before me, slowly but surely, unveiling a new way of living, of being, of thinking, feeling, and experiencing the world. And the world itself is changing too, as well as my place in it.
I used to wonder if I could hold the responsibility and charge that I could feel headed toward me. I think that this was an unconscious fear – one that I never quite let arise to the surface of my thoughts, but that only bubbled and swirled deep within. Now, I feel confident, from experimenting (and mostly seeing how frustrated interactions are when I DO “play small” and people assume me to be less than I am) that I can in fact complete my next mission. I test it from time to time, allowing the thought forms in any given area – a grocery store, a restaurant, a city square – to merge together into one flavor of varied, yet unified thoughts and feeling. In my olden days, this “noise” deafened and confused me. I remember afternoons spent lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, drifting in and out of consciousness with a pain that no one around me understood, all as a result of simply spending a few hours in a crowded place. Now I can name that feeling. Empathic overload. The lines are too stretched, and rubbed raw by the fears, worries, rage, and disappointments of others. If everyone went around swimming in gratitude and enjoyment, the backlash wouldn’t be a backlash at all. But historically, we haven’t reached that place quite yet.
In trying to describe what this feels like, I often reference radio static. Because I’ve devoted my life to it over past years, my intuition and “reading” ability has increased to the point where I could potentially pick anyone in any crowd and give you a low-down on their situation, and their feelings about life - their “flavor,” so to speak. Sometimes I practice this ability in traffic by reading the person driving a car before I can see them, and then once they are visible to me, checking for accuracy by using visual cues and personality assessments the way they are taught in conventional psychology to see whether or not I was right when I received my impressions. At this point, my accuracy is pretty much 100%. Great. So those degrees were good for something at least. J
Before I could control this, as I said, it was as if there was static all around me, all the time. Wait, who am I kidding – there is STILL static around me all the time. But it isn’t verbal, as in hearing a running stream of consciousness the way movies portray this type of thing. Rather, the static is made up of emotion. Of fears, judgments, worries, addictions, envies. This is because most people walk around in this state most of the time. And since it is as if I have no skin in this matter, and I can just feel what someone else is feeling, especially when I am in an enclosed space with them (don’t even get me started on conferences,) if there are people around I always feel a blurry jumble of subjective life experience that isn’t mine.
This can be crippling. Historically, it was for me and it still is for many, many people. And I, too, have to work around this – I had to cut a day of errands short last week here in Portland, explaining to my father (one of the people I’m visiting here) that I was brushing up against empathic overload. We were headed into a coffee shop and I balked.
“I just don’t think I can be in a small room filled with people right now,” I told him, my eyes filming over with unshed tears.
He startled and looked more closely at me, and then agreed that the coffee stop would be canceled.
Over the next few moments I explained to him how it’s basically just in my code to not only feel things, but to cleanse them with my aura –
“I’m like a walking Brita filter. For emotion, and karma, and people’s journeys.”
Which makes me great at my job, but hinders me at, you know, life.
Now, I am reaching this new state where I am finally VISCERALLY FEELING what the other side of the empathic spectrum is.
Put simply, it’s this:
Remain in your awesomeness and everyone else will have no choice but to come too.
A common misperception is that empaths need to change those around them in order to thrive.
All you have to do is HOLD YOUR CORE VIBRATION, focusing on your breath, on your movement, on the easy smile on your face and how it is sending soothing chemical triggers to your brain and body, and choosing to mentally focus purely on the game – on the sensation of downloading in here, into this very intricate role playing hologram, and rocking your Avatar in your own specific, unique ways.
In my experience, this is only half of it. I’m pressing up against the barrier of the next phase of my mission – one that will be more challenging than others, but also almost certainly will make all other rewards I’ve gotten on all levels pale in comparison.
About a year and a half ago, when my guides were adjusting and tweaking EVERY second of my life down to the way my foot hit the pavement and the angle to which I held my head (I’m not kidding,) I had a moment when I felt completely fed up and exhausted.
“Come on. I need a freaking carrot here. Show me what I’m working towards.”
And I did that familiar whoosh through time and space meditatively, until I was standing on a stage in front of a stadium full of people. I knew that this wasn’t the present “me” because although I was technically in what appeared to be the same body, I was SO much stronger – my meridians were lined with steel basically, flowing shining energy through more quickly than I’d ever experienced. My inner state was calm, happy, languid, and completely focused. I was speaking to the assembled group, and I had no clue what I was saying, even in the moment. This was because what I and everyone else were experiencing had nothing to do with English. I was interacting, verbally and energetically, with the complex, living, moving, fractal mass of consciousness floating in the middle of the stadium, made up of the combined thoughts, feelings, emotions, potentials, and gifts of each person there. It appeared to 3D eyes that I was speaking and that was it, but both I, and everyone there, could feel the truth. There was a massive healing and activation going on – and I wasn’t directing it, I had simply refined my form and structure enough to be a conduit for Divine source energy, that could pour through me, splash right into that beautiful behemoth mass of combined focus and consciousness, and then filter down through unique and living lines to each person seated before me, shifting and altering to give them exactly what they need.
That is what I am training for, these long years.
Well, one of the things.
And it sounds pretty freaking fun, to be quite honest. I’ll take it.
My guides assured me a few days ago that I’m closer now to my perfect potential reality than I ever have been before. I believe that. And while this current nomadic life certainly has its challenges (many of them having to do with breaking from ingrained cultural paradigms,) I won’t lie – it’s also pretty awesome.