Saturday, June 30, 2012

Epic shit take epic effort, usually.

This quote.
Is cool.
And I like it.

It's 12:30am in these parts and I'm up after having taken a sleeping shift from about 8:30ish to midnight. Finally, for the first time in days, I actually had the wherewithal to really get UP when my alarm went off for the middle-of-the-night awake shift, rather than just lay there and reason with myself-
"Okay, I'm getting up..."
"But I'm really sleepy."
"And it feels really nice to just lay here."
"But I'll stay up, I'll stay up, let me just do some deep breathing."
"Yeah, okay, this is working, I can just lay here and be conscious and that will count, right?"
"Okay, breathing...."

The first perk of sleeping alone is that it makes getting up about one million times easier. Without someone warm to be snuggling with, the bed loses some of its appeal.

The second perk is that you get the ENTIRE space to use however you want. With the option to twist and turn and dance tangled in the covers with no thought in that unconscious physical place about allowing another person comfort, the bed gains some more appeal.

So I'm back in the middle... :)

But anywayssss...

 I'm up now, and now is good. I'll be heading back to bed in a bit and awakening at 4am to head out to Perris Valley, CA with my sister this weekend so she can do some skydiving awesomeness. It's her thing. And though I've been and sure it was adrenalinely rushingly awesome, I have a lower need for stimulation. I'd rather just go meditate under a tree somewhere. So she can skydive and I'll hang out nearby and do the second thing. :)

This week has been weird and sad and amazing and generally nutso. Life is changing so freaking fast! And I couldn't be more thrilled to be back in the "land of the living" technology-wise. I've found such awesome new friends via all of my work on the internet. It does have its drawbacks, sure, but it's also easy to see how the web has transformed the world in really beautiful ways.

And that leads me back to epic shit.

I have discovered that this is apparently Lightworker break up season all over the world! I won't harp on my relationship stuff b/c one of the things that I'm doing to respect my ex's privacy is not air out our laundry for the entire world - he wasn't so big on that. I've always been more of the in-public liver, from the beginning. But I always felt compelled to do so, and have even been told lots in meditation that one of my main gifts is just in sharing what's going on with me so others don't feel so alone, especially when weird stuff happens.

And weirder and weirder things happen all the freaking time! I mostly love it. And sometimes shite gets scary or sad, but afterwards there are always amazing lessons that yes, I am genuinely grateful for.

This breakup thing is kind of like that. The best thing about it, and the thing that I will never, ever take for granted, is that there's no betrayal or lies or nastiness or anything that usually causes divorce. My ex is really, truly, a beautiful, wonderful, intelligent and unique man, and I know he's going to serve the world in amazing ways. Just not by my side. But something I've come to realize is that truly, I wouldn't want to be with someone anyway who I had to convince to be there - I'll wait until 1) I'm totally healed and my field is clear of any romantic attachments for a WHILE before jumping in to anything else, and 2) someone shows up who adores me and wants to be with me, doesn't go back and forth and not really know whether having me in his life is a good thing or a bad thing.

And I can't judge too much - one of the huge things that happened in my own spiritual awakening nine years ago was that I broke up with my 4.5 year boyfriend, who everyone in the world (including us) assumed that marriage and kids was a done deal with. He was wonderful too. But he didn't believe what I woke up and found myself forehead-deep in. And it didn't work. With this situation, it's the opposite. Obviously I believe in all things spiritual, so this guy's awakening isn't hindered by constraints in my thinking. But I have a hunch that the opposite is true - I've already figured out so much of where my views and understandings of things lie, that I think that this may be just as hindering to someone just figuring the same thing out for themselves as my first boyfriend's non belief and comparatively closed mindedness was for me, no matter how sweet he was.

So there you go.

And here I am, partially heartbroken, but every day that recedes more and I realize that I'd looped so much of my energy through him and through our relationship that I'd been more or less starving myself in ways that I was honestly 100% unaware of.

Hence this HUGE, overflowing burst of inspiration and energy now that I'm single again.

Also, I'd lost my swagger!

And seriously.

You should never lose your swagger.

I missed my swagger without even realizing it was gone :)

I think I'd rather be single from here on out than lose my swagger again. Just sayin'.

So epic shit requires epic effort. And the epic effort doesn't seem to come in the doing of the epic shit - that comes through inspiration and energy and awesomeness, I'm finding. The effort comes in self-weeding, a.k.a. getting out all of those binds we put around ourselves, convincing ourselves in tiny incremental steps that we're weak and powerless until we, say, lose our swagger.

My ex didn't take my swagger from me. In fact, who knows what would have happened if I hadn't dropped my swagger on the sidewalk somewhere. But I did, without realizing it, and you can't love or be loved well if you've lost pieces of yourself as a result of the relationship that is meant to be icing on the cake of life, not the dinner entree - if you know what I mean.

Perhaps I'm being confusing. It is late. And I do write stream-of-consciousness style. But I have a hunch that a lot of you, especially you fellow Lightworker women, know what I'm talkin about - dontcha? ...

And now, I'm coming back! And the world is lighter again rather than being so heavy. Colors are brighter. And I'm going raw mostly again, which adds a WHOLE other level of awesomeness. Also just ordered some ormus. Whoooa. Can't wait for that to get here.

I'm pretty positive that this will be an AMAZING year. And since we're about halfway through, this realization comes not a moment too soon.

I think the main work now is to move OUT of the way of things and just settle back into enjoyment and inspiration, moving when I feel moved to move. Ya know?

And that's how the epic shit will arrive. At least, that's how it always has before.

Ok, off to bed again. Y'all have an amazing weekend. I'll be here and there. Video ideas are flowing like water these days, it's nuts. As I type I have a list of like 8 more that are all in my head, waiting to be recorded. Should be fun times. And more is in the works, like a web class and a new radio show I've been approached to host and a potential long-term trip to Hawaii and just other really amazing things.

But after the grounding year I've just had, the danger from floating away as a result of all the amazing things going on right now is minimal. A benefit of being brought down to earth.

Nothing wrong with having your head in the clouds (or even farther up, in my case,) as long as your feet are on the ground too.

It's a beautiful planet - quite a nice one to have you toes touching, anyway :)

Friday, June 15, 2012

A Walk to the Park

On my second day in Redondo Beach, I decided to go for a walk to a nearby park and the botanical gardens therein.
I LOVE botanical gardens. They make me happy. And now that I'm in the city, I'm realizing how deeply I'd connected to the complex and very wild nature back in the Blue Ridge mountains. I kind of miss it - but I'm learning so much about how to be Awake in the city that I don't really mind. Besides, I have experiences like this one to keep me nice and grounded.

Early in the morning, after my workout and before my smoothie, I was meditating. My meditation starts with a balancing of all my chakras, followed by a clearing and smoothing of my energy field and a few moments dedicated to whatever I'm trying to bring forth in my life. After that, I talk to all my buddies in the different realms. To be specific, first I go check in with a large overarching group where lots of my guides come to speak to me at once - that said, they're mostly ETs at that point. Then I chat with my main ET guide (who I call my Rhythm Teacher - it's a long story,) and then with the Angelic realm representatives who hang out with me. After that I talk to some devic spirits (a.k.a. fairies) and finally, with Gaia overall - lately, by the way, she's been saying that she's nearly all good - that we just have to come where she is in our resonant state to see it.

But anyway, the devas had been large and in charge in the mountains, which was what made me aware of them in the first place. I hadn't believed in fairies since I was a little girl, and even then I didn't claim to consciously believe in them (rather choosing to draw pictures of them all the time and even build little things for them outdoors, thinking I was "just playing"...) but when something is floating in front of your face, literally and figuratively, it's really hard to not believe it. That, in fact, is insanity. I'm not typing on a computer right now. No way. Imaginary.


Moving on.

So on that morning, the fairies told me that they'd be with me as I went out and about that day. Then they told me to "look for the flowers."

Ok, that seemed like an easy task.

I left my sister's apartment and began to walk up a nearby street. Driving down it many times, I'd never noticed how many flowers there were! Every other tiny yard was beautifully manicured, with flowers spilling over fences and peeking up from tiny, intricate, lacy layers of ground cover.

Before I was a block in, I noticed some beautiful blue flowers hanging over the sidewalk. One bunch of them had been somehow severed from its partners and was there delicately sitting on the sidewalk.
One of the main (and very random) things that I couldn't help from doing this past year was wearing fresh foliage in my hair. Since much of my time spent back East was during the cold season, I pretty much constantly wore dark green Juniper leaves either braided into my hair or tucked into a ponytail. Somehow this grounded me and made me feel more connected. I think adding that harmonic life force to the part of us most often disconnected - our heads - does more than just add cosmetic value.  And wearing artificial stuff obviously just isn't the same...

I'd thought about doing the same out here, but I don't like cutting flowers. It's not like there's a tree with a zillion leaves who drops fresh ones every morning and I can go outside when the grass is still wet with dew and gather a handful to choose from, or like my nonexistent yard is filled with wild flowers, some of which volunteer to be picked and worn as I bend over each bunch, asking with my Heart who wants to come and hang out with me.

In the city, it's different.

Except when a beautiful cut flower (that matches your outfit, no less) just shows up where you're walking.

So I did what anyone would do, I put a sprig in my hair and carried the rest of the bunch until I found a pretty place to leave it, coating the flowery branch with my intentions that it brighten someone else's day the way it had brightened mine.

The walk continued, and about a block later, there was an empty and clean plastic grocery bag on the sidewalk in front of me.

Whew, that was close...

I've often read advice by other interdimensional ambassador types that say to always bring a plastic bag with you when you take a walk in order to gather litter as you go. It always sounds like a good idea, and I always forget. So this day, I was gifted with one. With only a moment's hesitation due to my self consciousness about how odd I must look bending down to pick up trash off the sidewalk, I gathered up that bag and went on.

Of course there were lots of little things to pick up along the way. Because I was still in morning traffic hours, there were a good amount of cars cruising by and every time I bent to pick up a wrapper or random piece of something man made and trashy, I felt a little weird. It's funny how social norms often curb us from doing what is right. And the likelihood is that no one would have even noticed me at all, much less looked at me askance for collecting litter.

The main part of this walk, however, was the beautiful city. I was in the suburbs, and there's lots of really adorable and creative architecture around here. More than anything though, I noticed how many plants and trees and flowers there are. I was as guilty of the next of thinking of suburbia, and especially SoCal suburbia, of being a concrete and asphalt wasteland where nothing grew and certainly where no fairies could survive.
Not so, as it turns out!


And besides, I got to pass some really interesting things, like a couple of Dr. Seussy trees. Here's the first one which reminds me of the Lorax...

And a beautiful magnolia pruned to where it's not the normal thick, green, glossy magnolia of the South that I'm used to, but beautiful all the same.

A palm tree against the sky just clearing itself of the June gloom marine layer for the first time that day...

Eventually, I made it over to the park (taking a massive detour and getting a bit lost, but not minding a bit) and hung out with the trees.

A beautiful pine,

And then I meditated under this second Dr. Seussy tree.

There were some very zenned out (and slightly overweight) seagulls hanging out on the shores of the park's man made lake. I snapped a pic of this one. He wasn't sure whether or not he would fly off, so I crooned to him as I took shot after shot, finally ending up with this one of him looking at my camera. Seagulls are so unique and funny among birds - they have an interesting type of intelligence that we normally miss because we don't hang out with them much, I think.

All in all, it was a fabulous day. And now I have some lovely blue flowers to press in my journal to prove it.

Have a beautiful weekend!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Changing Tides

In three days I'll get on an airplane and fly away West.
I'm feeling conflicted.

When I was writing my first blog (I feel the need to change 'em up every couple years or so,) I often wondered why I didn't get the type of readership that similar, but more dramatic blogs got. I spoke of maintaining mindfulness, and bringing general spiritual awareness to everyday life. I shared my struggles and triumphs, or so I thought, and was fully intending to make each person who read my blog's life a little bit better for having visited. Why did other writers, who spoke of grumpy times and arguments and pain get more love than I did?

I didn't get it.

Now, I think I do.

It's nice and all to have inspirational quotes and tips for being happy and fulfilled, no matter what you're doing. But it's hard to connect with someone who doesn't share her flaws and her difficulties. When I thought I was writing about my struggles, I was only choosing the easiest solved problems in my life to speak of. And it isn't as if I think it's beneficial for anyone to whine, complain, or bitch all the time, but on the other hand, what's the point of sharing a life in the way that blogs do if you don't actually share your life?

Back to that imminent flight.

Without airing too many personal details that belong to other persons and who it isn't my right to share, I'll say that just about every single aspect of my life is about to drastically change. For all intents and purposes, I'll be living a very different life in a week from now, and less than that, even.

Granted, on one hand I'm excited and optimistic and I am absolutely certain that the summer will be glorious. On the other hand, I'm scared. I don't know exactly what will happen. And although trusting the Universe/God is great (and what choice do we have anyway, once you really think about it,) lessons taught aren't always chocolate and rainbows. It will likely be hard in ways that I haven't thought of yet.

I'm a little bit psychic. Or a lot psychic. I know that may sound odd, but it's true. And rather than making life easier, this often makes life harder. Extrasensory perception isn't usually what it's portrayed as in the movies. I can feel others' emotions and often, if I'm asked to do so, I can sort of see the landscape of a person's life - their true life, struggles, and what they can do to go further along their path in the most harmonious way. But those things only apply to oneself so much, especially because doing what needs to be done is often much easier said than done.

For now?

I'm to wait.
Have faith.
Find joy in every moment.
Focus on my body.
Be aware of everything around me and live as if every action, word, and thought is a sacred ritual.

See? Easier said than done. Especially that last one. With one glorious exception, I've never been able to maintain that state for more than 5 minutes or so...and I'm supposed to live it? All the time?


In a meditation yesterday morning, I was given the following advice:

The reasons behind the change happening to you and to those around you are two fold: First, they are alerting you to the diverse possibilities of perception and experience. The Gaian dimension is shifting and thoughts are manifesting - but even more, emotions are manifesting. You are being shown what you are asking for via your focus and attention. If you do not like it, refine it. Bring life into every movement. Second, transitions are happening everywhere. Situations are solidifying for the next plateau of learning and experience, which will come mid June. The steps forward (and lack of) in the last cycle decided where you would be now.

Ok, I get it. So what happens, I suppose, is that life is split into kind of a plateaued step-shaped progression. We have a time of upheaval (which tends to often be more emotional than physical for me, although sometimes, such as now, EVERYTHING changes,) then a period of relative stability while we are given a chance to learn the lessons or achieve the potentialities for growth gifted us. Then, another transition comes, and all is repeated. Makes sense. Doesn't make it easier by much.

So, I guess, the moral of the current story isn't supposed to be easy? Yet? I do know that once true Presence is attained, existence turns into more of a dance than anything else - and I know this because I have been Present for periods of time where everything smoothed out in the most beautiful and blissful way...but obviously, I ain't always there.

So tomorrow I will pack.

And Sunday I will fly. And once my plane lands, I'll step off of it a new me, in a familiar place, and see what comes.

Instead of seeing all the disorder and disruptions, instead of viewing it as your world falling apart, think instead that this is an opportunity to create something beautiful and better. ❤ ╰☆╮ ☯
All great changes are preceded by chaos.

~ Deepak Chopra


Sunday, June 3, 2012

Enchanted Evening

The time is currently 3:38am and I'm up and about on the third night of my sleep experiment.

I've been voraciously reading the book Seth Speaks, along with a couple of others, and it is blowing my mind in entirely new ways. One is by answering questions I never knew I had until I see someone else ask them in print before me as I read. The other is by giving suggestions that are completely new, but super intriguing, like the one I'm trying out now.

This one has me never sleeping more than 6 hours a pop (and, in order to go the whole hog, which I tend to do with odd things like this, I haven't topped 4 hours, just to be sure.) It isn't that you actually sleep any less once all is said and done in any 24 hour period, but the sleep times are moved around, allowing for a couple hours of waking time to break in to any large chunk of sleep. In my case, this is pretty easy since Friday was the last day of school and now Terrence and I are house sitting at a gorgeous place even farther back in the woods than we were before.

Anyway, for the past three nights I've been going to bed at the regular time but setting my alarm for the wee hours of the morning to pop up for a couple of hours, hang out, do some reading, have a cup of tea, maybe a few minutes of yoga, and generally benefit from the nighttime negative ions and energies that I ordinarily sleep through.

The idea behind this is that in the current cultural paradigm I, and probably you too, find ourselves in, we sleep in these massive chunks of sedentary unconsciousness every night. This splits the subjective, creative, emotional dreaming world from the objective, linear, intellectual waking world in a way that is unnatural, apparently - our nature-friendly ancestors would be up at various points in the night, checking to make sure all was well, perhaps doing some nighttime foraging or hunting, etc. Animals still do this, even house dogs and cats, I realized when thinking about it, remembering how my in-laws' little dog goes back and forth from room to room at night, checking on everyone.

Apparently, this huge split, along with the idea that being so still for so long is actually detrimental to the purely physical processes such as blood flow and metabolism (which I get, theoretically,) means that not only waking up a bit at night, but sleeping a bit during the day would even this out. For 9-5 workers, the author of the book recommends the first "nap" to be just after dinner, with the longer sleep periods a few hours later.

I will say that I adore napping and always have. Now I have an excuse to do it :) Although, to be fair, it isn't easy schedule-wise to do this, even for me. But in trying to be pure with my little experiment, I've realized that one should capitalize on that sleepy afternoon hour or so whenever possible and escape to dreamland.

Back to the objective/subjective thing. Apparently the difference between dreaming reality and waking reality is not nearly as huge as we think it is (which I believe, considering some of the caaraaazy nighttime journeys I've had over the years,) and flipping back and forth between the two modes of consciousness gives us a more authentic, "true" sense of the world we inhabit. I get that, and I've noticed a difference there.

Which leads me to...

How is it going?


I really like being up at night. I'm ordinarily one of those annoying morning people, and I've found that now, I'm more mellow in early hours - not tired, I always awaken refreshed, but not so chipper and bouncy either, which I'm sure anyone I interact with before 10am would tell you is a relief. :)

The first night of my experiment, I woke up at 4am or so. I realized halfway through my 10 minutes of yoga that unless something unexpected was going on, every single person I knew in the world was asleep just then. My team was all vacant! And I shared this wakeful existence with others on the other side of the globe. That was pretty cool.

A drawback has been that I haven't smoothed my schedule so that I have predictable sleep times yet, which makes 6pm sometimes feel like 10:30 or 11 and past my bedtime. I'm trying to stay fluid with it, and there is something very delicious about occasionally waiting to go to bed until you're childishly sleepy. Feels sweet, almost like a piece of candy. I know that sounds odd, but it's my experience.

Tonight, on the first evening in a strange, albeit beautiful, place, I turned in at 10:30pm and set my clock for 2:30am. I awoke at 2:21, noticing the nearly-full moonshine on the bed below me and angling my head to get an eyeful of that magical view. I love how moonlight penetrates you when you gaze at a swollen moon, it has such a cleansing effect. I realized with a quiet chuckle that my body had anticipated my alarm clock and I got up, slowly going through an abbreviated morning routine to be comfortable for my up-at-night time.

Other claims on this new schedule is that creativity and energy will be enhanced and dreams will be more intense and easy to remember. I do feel more creative, especially at night. I've started work on a new book that's been percolating for a couple of weeks, only working at night so far. As for my energy level, I don't think I've given it enough time yet - I haven't noticed a shift in either direction so far.

I will say though, that waking life has taken on an interesting and yummy dreamlike feel. I'm not tired, but my mind and body are working differently. I don't get as caught up in the rush and mental chatter as I ordinarily do. I tend to use mindfulness to help with this, but I've stayed pretty mindful naturally. That alone is worth the shift.

Ok, I'm off to begin to wind down. I'm going back to sleep at 4am (so in 20 minutes or so) and then will arise at 8am, leaving an hour and a half later to go pick my sister up from the train station. Today's her birthday (happy birthday, Michal!) It will be the first time in years that we've gotten to be together on the actual day. Good times.

Happy dreams!