Saturday, June 30, 2012
Epic shit take epic effort, usually.
And I like it.
It's 12:30am in these parts and I'm up after having taken a sleeping shift from about 8:30ish to midnight. Finally, for the first time in days, I actually had the wherewithal to really get UP when my alarm went off for the middle-of-the-night awake shift, rather than just lay there and reason with myself-
"Okay, I'm getting up..."
"But I'm really sleepy."
"And it feels really nice to just lay here."
"But I'll stay up, I'll stay up, let me just do some deep breathing."
"Yeah, okay, this is working, I can just lay here and be conscious and that will count, right?"
The first perk of sleeping alone is that it makes getting up about one million times easier. Without someone warm to be snuggling with, the bed loses some of its appeal.
The second perk is that you get the ENTIRE space to use however you want. With the option to twist and turn and dance tangled in the covers with no thought in that unconscious physical place about allowing another person comfort, the bed gains some more appeal.
So I'm back in the middle... :)
I'm up now, and now is good. I'll be heading back to bed in a bit and awakening at 4am to head out to Perris Valley, CA with my sister this weekend so she can do some skydiving awesomeness. It's her thing. And though I've been and sure it was adrenalinely rushingly awesome, I have a lower need for stimulation. I'd rather just go meditate under a tree somewhere. So she can skydive and I'll hang out nearby and do the second thing. :)
This week has been weird and sad and amazing and generally nutso. Life is changing so freaking fast! And I couldn't be more thrilled to be back in the "land of the living" technology-wise. I've found such awesome new friends via all of my work on the internet. It does have its drawbacks, sure, but it's also easy to see how the web has transformed the world in really beautiful ways.
And that leads me back to epic shit.
I have discovered that this is apparently Lightworker break up season all over the world! I won't harp on my relationship stuff b/c one of the things that I'm doing to respect my ex's privacy is not air out our laundry for the entire world - he wasn't so big on that. I've always been more of the in-public liver, from the beginning. But I always felt compelled to do so, and have even been told lots in meditation that one of my main gifts is just in sharing what's going on with me so others don't feel so alone, especially when weird stuff happens.
And weirder and weirder things happen all the freaking time! I mostly love it. And sometimes shite gets scary or sad, but afterwards there are always amazing lessons that yes, I am genuinely grateful for.
This breakup thing is kind of like that. The best thing about it, and the thing that I will never, ever take for granted, is that there's no betrayal or lies or nastiness or anything that usually causes divorce. My ex is really, truly, a beautiful, wonderful, intelligent and unique man, and I know he's going to serve the world in amazing ways. Just not by my side. But something I've come to realize is that truly, I wouldn't want to be with someone anyway who I had to convince to be there - I'll wait until 1) I'm totally healed and my field is clear of any romantic attachments for a WHILE before jumping in to anything else, and 2) someone shows up who adores me and wants to be with me, doesn't go back and forth and not really know whether having me in his life is a good thing or a bad thing.
And I can't judge too much - one of the huge things that happened in my own spiritual awakening nine years ago was that I broke up with my 4.5 year boyfriend, who everyone in the world (including us) assumed that marriage and kids was a done deal with. He was wonderful too. But he didn't believe what I woke up and found myself forehead-deep in. And it didn't work. With this situation, it's the opposite. Obviously I believe in all things spiritual, so this guy's awakening isn't hindered by constraints in my thinking. But I have a hunch that the opposite is true - I've already figured out so much of where my views and understandings of things lie, that I think that this may be just as hindering to someone just figuring the same thing out for themselves as my first boyfriend's non belief and comparatively closed mindedness was for me, no matter how sweet he was.
So there you go.
And here I am, partially heartbroken, but every day that recedes more and I realize that I'd looped so much of my energy through him and through our relationship that I'd been more or less starving myself in ways that I was honestly 100% unaware of.
Hence this HUGE, overflowing burst of inspiration and energy now that I'm single again.
Also, I'd lost my swagger!
You should never lose your swagger.
I missed my swagger without even realizing it was gone :)
I think I'd rather be single from here on out than lose my swagger again. Just sayin'.
So epic shit requires epic effort. And the epic effort doesn't seem to come in the doing of the epic shit - that comes through inspiration and energy and awesomeness, I'm finding. The effort comes in self-weeding, a.k.a. getting out all of those binds we put around ourselves, convincing ourselves in tiny incremental steps that we're weak and powerless until we, say, lose our swagger.
My ex didn't take my swagger from me. In fact, who knows what would have happened if I hadn't dropped my swagger on the sidewalk somewhere. But I did, without realizing it, and you can't love or be loved well if you've lost pieces of yourself as a result of the relationship that is meant to be icing on the cake of life, not the dinner entree - if you know what I mean.
Perhaps I'm being confusing. It is late. And I do write stream-of-consciousness style. But I have a hunch that a lot of you, especially you fellow Lightworker women, know what I'm talkin about - dontcha? ...
And now, I'm coming back! And the world is lighter again rather than being so heavy. Colors are brighter. And I'm going raw mostly again, which adds a WHOLE other level of awesomeness. Also just ordered some ormus. Whoooa. Can't wait for that to get here.
I'm pretty positive that this will be an AMAZING year. And since we're about halfway through, this realization comes not a moment too soon.
I think the main work now is to move OUT of the way of things and just settle back into enjoyment and inspiration, moving when I feel moved to move. Ya know?
And that's how the epic shit will arrive. At least, that's how it always has before.
Ok, off to bed again. Y'all have an amazing weekend. I'll be here and there. Video ideas are flowing like water these days, it's nuts. As I type I have a list of like 8 more that are all in my head, waiting to be recorded. Should be fun times. And more is in the works, like a web class and a new radio show I've been approached to host and a potential long-term trip to Hawaii and just other really amazing things.
But after the grounding year I've just had, the danger from floating away as a result of all the amazing things going on right now is minimal. A benefit of being brought down to earth.
Nothing wrong with having your head in the clouds (or even farther up, in my case,) as long as your feet are on the ground too.
It's a beautiful planet - quite a nice one to have you toes touching, anyway :)